Living the questions, one moment at a time.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Word Choice

Words matter.

We spend a whole lot of time here talking about this thing called cross-cultural communication. And it can get tricky. Take the word "couscous," for example. You know, the food. Well, imagine my shock when my friend tells me that in her language, "couscous" actually refers to a certain female body part. (I will keep said friend and her language anonymous.) Imagine if I had gone to her country and started shouting couscous. (Not sure why that would ever happen, but you never know.) I probably wouldn't be viewed as the best representative of the USA at that point.

See the problem? All jokes aside, words matter. We don't know how our speech will be interpreted at any given time. Words can really affect how we think of a situation. More specifically, words impact how we talk to ourselves and view our own decisions.

A little over a week ago, I was having a day - the kind of day that causes you to question your own sanity for a short time. Among a few larger issues, hormones and a stressful in-class project finally threw me over the edge. I thought I was pulling it together around lunchtime, but when I nearly walked into a moving car in the parking lot I knew it was time to make a move. After brewing in my thoughts for about an hour (sometimes a dangerous idea), I called my mom. I did not plan on crying, but the waterworks started in the middle of my second sentence (which inevitably happens when you call people you love to "chat" when you are already upset.) The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Me: I. just. want. to come. homeeeeeee.
Mom: Why can't you?
Me: *sniff* Because I caaaaan't.
Mom: You have a car!
Me: But it's only a two-day weekend!
Mom: So? That's two days.
Me: But that means I'm CRAZY.
Mom:...What?
Me: Coming home because I am upset is rash.
Mom: ....Rash?
Me: It means that I am upset enough to make decisions that involve driving for three hours and that is rash.
Mom: It's not rash, it's spontaneous.
Me: It's rash.
Mom: When do you ever even use that word?
Me: Now, I guess.
Mom: Well you could stay, or you could come home and have some wine, and sleep in your own bed. And we can have a family Revenge marathon.
Me: (still choked up) Okay. I think you're right.
Mom: Pack your bag. It's spontaneous!

(Yes, you read that right. It was the family viewing of "Revenge" that kind of sold me.)

Mom was right, as usual. Even the simple act of driving into Massachusetts provided the rush of encountering an old friend - I started to feel better.

I half wish this story had a more dramatic ending, but after a few glasses of wine, several pieces of my mom's Irish bread, and some advil, I was (almost) back to my old self.

This is a long story to simply illustrate a bad day. I could have said simply: "I had a bad day." But I told it to illustrate that:
1) I am not superhuman, contrary to popular belief. (Kidding.)
2) I don't always think about myself and my decisions in a gentle way.

While this whole episode seems kind of silly almost two weeks later, I have really been thinking about perspective. I kept calling my decision to take a weekend at home "rash" and "crazy." Part of this likely stemmed from my intense emotions in the moment, but part of it involves the words themselves.

In fact, because I have a strange ( or "unique"...see? Words!) fondness for dictionaries, I decided to look up the words rash and spontaneous. Here is what I found:

Spontaneous (adj) coming or resulting from a natural impulse or tendency; without effort or premeditation; natural and unconstrained; unplanned

Rash (adj) acting or tending to act too hastily or without due consideration; reckless, incautious, foolhardy

After reading these definitions, I realized that they really are two completely different words. And notice that the definition of spontaneous includes the word natural. I don't think this is an accident. As soon as I started to think about my trip home as "spontaneous," my whole view of my decision changed completely. Words can do that.

Sometimes, there are situations that even the "right" words absolutely cannot fix. I know this for a fact. Many of us face realities that seem overwhelming, and probably are. There are no words that can take away certain kinds of pain and sorrow. Several of my friends have spoken to me lately, whether directly or indirectly, about negative self-talk. It really does seem to be an issue for many of us (myself included.)

Self-care is becoming more important than ever. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. Internship searches are in full swing here. Heck, life is in full swing. But then again, it always is. My very close friend and I have a new favorite saying: "Life is a giant detour." Sounds about right.

That's why I am choosing to be compassionate with myself. The first step is choosing the right words.

And I'll be sure not to say couscous.