The End of a Chapter

Today, my thesis is officially completed. As in, I have my grade and my professor signed it. Done.

I never thought I would be so moved by the completion of a paper. Jubilant? Yes. Relived? Yes. But not touched.

I think it has to do with the content. Not to be dramatic, but I really put my heart and soul into this thing. I can honestly say, 110%. Yes, it was research.

But I was indirectly talking about myself.

And that's the thing. In writing this paper (research, execution, all of that) I was facing head-on struggles that began almost four years ago. Around the time I started here.

Writing about these times, even through research and indirect means, is like composing a summary of what I've learned about myself and life in general. It's the closing of a chapter.

Quite literally as I am writing this, I just ran into a professor I had my entire first year at UMass. She means a lot to me, and has been instrumental in me getting to know myself. Funny I would randomly meet up with her now, as I have not seen her since last fall before I left for Italy. I just told her about my thesis and the whole last year of my life, which has turned into one of the most meaningful yet. I swear she had a tear in her eye as she put her hand on my shoulder and spoke with her German accent: "This is beautiful, really. Everyone is getting older and wiser."

And it's true. Every experience is a growing experience. And growing, with all of the pain and realizations and joy that comes with it, is pretty incredible. Funny how a paper can show you that.

Thankful #20. My Own Bed.

Not much to say about this, other than I'm thankful for warm beds, blankets, and my favorite stuffed animals. All from my real "home," Cape Cod. Doesn't get much better than this.

Thankful #19. Dreams.

Ever since returning home in May, I have found myself in a bit of a rut. Routines seem to get in the way of the dreamer side of me. Part of this is somewhat unavoidable, as for much of that time I've had school and work commitments to attend to. But I cannot let that be an excuse for being stagnate.

There are some moments that convince me that I am still in a state of reverse culture shock, nearly seven months after the fact. As I was told before I left, an effective way to ease the effects of this dreaded phenomenon is to create new experiences at home, to become a "tourist" in a familiar place. This is a concept that I've been trying to put into practice.

In the end, I want to be adventurous. I have huge dreams. But I am also the kind of person that dreams like no other and then gets stuck on execution. The details. In some cases this is due to anxiety, but in others I just don't follow through. I can look at inspiration for a giant photo collage all I want, for example, but when it comes to actually going and printing out hundreds of said photos, I'm lazy. But I'm trying to change that.

I am thankful that I have big dreams. And I am thankful that I am learning to fulfill them. One step at a time.

Thankful #18. Sunny Days.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the occasional rainy day too. But there was something about the sun shining this weekend that brightened my mood.

Which gets me thinking about how amazing it is that a star can shine so brightly. And warm a whole planet.

Thank goodness it does!

Thankful #17. Reunions.

On Friday night, I was able to reunite with a few friends I studied with in Perugia. One flew in from Minnesota, one goes to Harvard and drove out to UMass, and the third goes to UMass with me already.

It was a relatively simple affair. We ate a big Italian dinner and drank wine and laughed and retold stories of our time abroad. But what surprised me was how natural it felt having us all in one room, one room that was not in Italy.

It's coming on a year since I left for Europe. But I love how connected I still feel to the experience. Part of me misses it every single day, and I still feel sad when I realize that it's all over. But another part of me is so amazed at how the impacts of the experience on me are becoming clearer everyday. One impact, of course, involves the friendships I formed there. (I'm really thinking of my roommates when I say this).

So while I may not see these people often, it makes me all the more grateful when we can reunite. After all, we shared a life-changing experience and that will never go away.

Thankful #16. Books.

Today for fun I went to the Eric Carle Picture Book Museum in Amherst. Very Hungry Caterpillar, anyone? The work that goes into creating this type of art is unreal. For his illustrations, Carle actually used tissue paper collages. So cool. The museum has some of his original artwork from his books (as well as the work of many other children's authors).

I was certainly able to indulge my inner child. I saw my old favorites: Madeline, Strega Nona, Nancy Drew, The Wizard of Oz. Books transport me to another time and place.

And I am thankful for these opportunities to dream.

Thankful #15. Wisdom. (Especially when it speaks to me).

I read this piece of wisdom from Michael J. Fox the other day. Literally exactly in the moment I needed to read it. Coincidence?

There's a rule in acting called, 'Don't play the result." If you have a character who is going to end up in a certain place, don't play that until you get there. Play each scene and each beat as it comes. And that's what you do in life. You don't play the result.

Thankful #14. Stars.

On my walk back from my car to my apartment, a few of the street lamps were out. Well that's inconvenient, I thought to my self as I stubbed my toe for the second time.

But then I looked up.

Stars, beautiful stars. I felt so small. I could only see these stars so clearly because of the darkness.

And that could be a lesson for anything, I think. Sometimes when we're in the dark, clarity is right there.

Thankful #13. Encouragement.

I would not be where I am today without the people who have guided me along the way. That's not an opinion. That's a fact. This guidance includes encouragement.

A recent friend eased my self-consciousness and assured me that I am "not selfish" for wanting to write about my experiences. My professor told me that in fact my thesis is "impressive," and stated that my most recent draft could be my final. Both instances increased my confidence tenfold. But there was long term encouragement as well...those who supported me from home, emotionally, financially and otherwise, while I was abroad. And my mom, who always seems to exhibit the perfect balance of worrying for me and letting me fly.

So thank you, thank you. As someone who occasionally needs a healthy push, your encouragement has changed my life.

Thankful #12. Babies.

On Saturday, one of my best friends gave birth to her first child, a baby boy. Ashley and her husband Chris are like family to me, so the whole event was incredibly special. I kept joking that the baby was holding off for me, as I was home for the long weekend and could therefore visit them both in the hospital (he was actually supposed to be born early last week!)

Yesterday, it dawned on me that this little guy is the first baby I've visited in the hospital since my brother Joey was born in 1999. I have a whole tribe of cousins, but none of them are young enough for me to remember seeing them as babies. Most of them were born within a few years of me. And Ash is the first of my friends to give birth (thankfully, since she's older).

I forgot how tiny newborns are. (Joey was actually a beast, but that's another story). I remember visiting Joey so many years ago, and thinking in my eight-year-old way about how miraculous birth really is. A new little human being arrives and has wants and needs. It's so hard to explain, but I was so moved...maybe that's why it is called a miracle.

At eight, I still had very little understanding about childbirth (and no knowledge whatsoever about what has to happen first). But I found myself just as floored this past weekend as I was back then. Perhaps even more so, actually, because now I do know.

It's crazy how significantly life changed for my friend in just a matter of hours. Sure, you build up to the moment during your whole pregnancy. But nothing can prepare you for the unconditional love you feel for your child. (I'm not a parent yet, so I'm speaking through observation).

I have awhile until it's my time, but for now, I am so excited to have a new little guy to love!

Thankful #11. Veterans.

Whenever life feels overwhelming, I think of the men and women fighting for this country all over the world, past and present. And I am humbled. 

These men and women include people very near and dear to my heart.

These people include my grandfather who dodged bullets on the beaches of Normandy, several cousins, and family friends. And I cannot thank them enough for their sacrifices. I can only pray for the safety of all those who represent the United States so courageously. 

So thank you, veterans. 

Thankful #10. Kitchens.

At the moment, the downstairs of my Cape house is in shambles. And I don't mean this as an exaggeration. It actually is.

When I say shambles, I mean there is a toilet in the living room. . Spices all over the dining room in a bin on the floor. Anything that was previously in the kitchen next to the microwave (school pictures, magazines, etc) are stacked wherever there's room. I can't walk to the family computer without nearly breaking a leg as I trip over assorted chairs and more bins of more stuff.

Let me explain: Our kitchen is being redone.

Beautiful ceramic tile on the floor, new granite counters and updated cabinets. A new sink even. Every single part of our kitchen (except for the appliances like the fridge) is stripped away. It looks like we don't even live here. And the downstairs bathroom next to the kitchen is being made over as well (which explains the toilet in the living room).

If Jules wasn't having panic attacks over the current state of our home, I would post pictures of the chaos to memorialize it for all time. However, as she apparently reads my blog, I will spare her further anxiety.

But trust me.

(For example, Jules, who is so meticulous about locking the doors even if she's only gone for a short time, left said doors unlocked on a run to a grocery store the other day. Her reasoning? "If anyone looked in the windows at the state of our house right now, they would be too horrified to try to rob the place.")

 Needless to say, it's a time of transition, paper plates and all (we can't wash dishes for the few weeks that this is all happening). And the whole shabang is reminding me why I love my kitchen.

It's not just a room in my house. It's a gathering place. It's the heart of it all. I'm blessed with a mother who is an amazing cook, so that's probably part of it.

I don't know if this kitchen business stems from my Italian heritage (kitchens seem to be important here), but it's always been that way. At family gatherings, it doesn't matter if there are twenty-five people inhabiting one room. That room always seems to be the kitchen.

My family was always big on eating dinner together. This has become slightly more difficult as my brothers and I have gotten older, but we've still been able to sit down as a family for at least over half the week (I'm of course talking about before Robbie and I both left for college, or when we are home on vacations). Even if we are not all in the house, the people who are in the house at a given time eat together. That's just how it's been. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

So while our updated kitchen will look differently from the one I grew up in, it's still the same room. The heart of my house.

Thankful #9. Quiet Time.

While I like school, it can be difficult for me to be around so many people so regularly. Even when I'm alone in my apartment, I can still usually hear people outside or in the hall. I just miss being.

Therefore, the occasional long weekend home is definitely most welcome. This morning, I took an early drive to the beach and just wrote. And I was still. I could hear only the waves (and the occasional seagull). No people. Just me, my thoughts, a pen, my journal, and my beating heart.

Some people don't like to be quiet with themselves, because they are afraid of what revelations or thoughts might come up when they aren't running around from one place to another. It's funny though, because I'm almost the opposite; I thrive on this introspection to keep me going.

That definitely doesn't mean that I always like what I find. But being quiet is the first step in figuring out how to move forward.

And forward is good.

Thankful #8. Heat.

It is getting chilly in these parts. I will never understand the weather in Massachusetts, and I don't pretend to. But it seems like it turned cold overnight this year.

Which, of course, means turning on the heat.

I think a lot of people take heat for granted. I know I do. It actually got to the point where I was hot in my apartment the other night. And yet it was about twenty-five degrees outside.

So really, I'm just grateful to be warm.

Thankful #7. Decisions.

The unknown scares me. That's a fact. But lately, I've actually been finding myself, dare I say it....excited. I am excited about what the future could bring. Some days, I still have my fears and anxieties. What if no opportunities come about, and I don't even have a decision to make? What if I have too many decisions? I honestly don't know which scenario scares me more. If I actually have to make a choice, well, I risk making the wrong choice.

But hey, no pressure.

I attended two separate fairs/workshops today for two very different life paths. Should I go to grad school this coming year, or put it off until the next? (Leaning towards putting it off at the moment). What do I even want?

But when I look back, I've never undergone an experience, positive or negative, that didn't teach me something. So I'm going to keep an open mind and continue to work on have several plans available. Because one of them will pan out. I'm putting my faith and trust in life to work on that for me.

For now, I am grateful that I actually have these decisions to make. The world is my oyster, really.

Cool.

Thankful #6. Voting.

Just that I have that right. That's all.

Thankful #5. Teachers.

I have been blessed with several inspiring teachers in my lifetime. There was my fifth grade teacher, who I still think of when I write a paragraph or essay. My eighth grade history teacher sparked a passion for the subject that resides in me to this day. Learning was engaging in her class; we watched Civil War movies and designed our own election brochures. I still remember how she had us memorize the preamble to the Constitution. I can still recite it. (Just did the other day...don't ask).

The point is, teachers can have a lifelong impact that far extends the time they physically spend with a class. Good teachers don't just teach you academic material; maybe they provide personal guidance, or teach you something special about yourself. Maybe they believed in you when you were about to give up. Maybe they taught you to love learning for learning, and not for grades.

I have also had some brilliant college professors. My current psychology thesis seminar professor was a former president of the American Psychological Association (APA). She fought for civil rights in the 60s and met Martin Luther King, Jr. All over the country, she has used her expertise for good.

You might expect someone with this kind of track record to be mildly intimidating. But this woman is the opposite. She is approachable, kind, and cares that you do well. And she really wants that connection with her students.

Tonight, for example, she had my class over to her house for dinner. All of us. Chips, pizza, and dessert. So informal, and the conversation just flowed.

We met her poodle and her nineteen-year-old cat (who liked to hiss, but was adorable all the same). We toured her stunning home. Her partner showed us old family albums (admitting she had no idea who some of the people in them were). And at the end, we received a beautiful pep talk from my professor and her partner:

"Sometimes, I worry about the future. But meeting you guys and watching you interact, I have hope now. You will go out and change the world. And it's the small things that make a difference."

I think some of us were getting teary. Just they way they said those things. With meaning and conviction. Just that statement alone gave us confidence going forward.

And that, in my opinion, is a great teacher.

Thankful #4. Music.

Music has always been a part of my life. I have been playing piano since I was five. Unfortunately, I stopped lessons when I went to college. But I still play whenever I can. Learning to play an instrument is actually a beautiful process because progress is tangible. When I first started at five, my hands were hardly big or strong enough to even press a note. My piano teacher (who would go on to teach me for the next twelve years) saw the determination in my eyes, and waived his policy of not taking children younger than reading age. (But then again, I had already taught myself to read). I remember playing Old McDonald that year. A Lion King songbook followed when I was around nine. When I was about fourteen, I began playing authentic classical pieces as written by composers like Mozart or Bach (not simplified...the originals). It took me about five or six months to perfect one of these masterpieces, but when I did (although I did not love practicing), I cannot explain how proud I felt. I was of the music.

Besides making my own music, I have always found songs to be expressions of my innermost thoughts. Sometimes, I hear a song and feel like it was written by me or for me. We have all had that experience at one point in time, I'm sure. My family laughs at me because I can hear certain songs on the radio and remember how old I was or what I was doing when it came out.

But it all really began at the beginning. I remember my mom would sing me "You Are My Sunshine" every night when she tucked me in. I also remember the song "Butterfly Kisses," very well, which seems particularly poignant now.

In third grade, Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys were my soundtrack. I know, I wasn't very original. But who could resist "Ooops I Did It Again" on cassette?! Recess was spent devising new choreography that would make B-Spears jealous. (Note: I sadly remember most of it).

More recently, I have found myself playing and replaying songs that remind me of the clubs in Italy. Some of these songs are ones that I didn't even like before I went abroad, but now remind me of a glorious time in my life so I can't help but enjoy them. Others were new to me when I heard them in Italy, such as one popular club song in a language I'm unfamiliar with that just puts a smile on my face every time.

But isn't that what music does? It stirs up our emotions, our souls. It propels us into the past, to a euphoric or depressing time or place. It gives us the beat and words that make our deepest thoughts more tangible. And, in a way, music is just what I need to keep me sane.

Thankful #3. Laptops. (Even when they suck).

This morning, as I went to plug my dying MacBook in for a day of work, I noticed that the charging light failed to turn on.

Yup, the charger was shot.

I took a few deep breaths. I tried again. Nothing.

This wouldn't have been so much of a problem if the second half of my thesis wasn't due this upcoming week. Or if I didn't totally rely on a working computer for almost everything related to my academic career.

I called Jules in a panic, just like I always do when something happens. It doesn't matter that she's three hours away on the Cape, and can do very little to help me from there. Calling Mom just always feels like the right thing to do. If nothing else, she's still forced to love me while I have a breakdown.

As an aside, I should be very thankful; I have had my computer for almost 3.5 years now, and this is the very first time I've ever had a problem with any part of it. And it's just the charger, not the computer itself. But a few hours have passed since that initial phone call; I certainly wasn't filled with optimistic thoughts at the time.

"Mom-my-charger-died-and-I-have-my-thesis-due-and-now-I-have-to-drive-to-the-mall-to-the-Apple-store-and-just-why-did-this-happen-nowwwww!" My voice was wobbling.

Jules was so sympathetic. She always says just the right words to calm me down. After I was done sniffling, she started with, "Hunny, when you are an adult, sometimes things malfunction at inopportune times. Like a car. Or even the furnace."

"BUT I HAVE A PAPER DUE AND THIS IS HIGH STAKES!" I exclaim.

.....Yeah. Bratty, right?

I think we're all guilty of occasionally overreacting to situations. I certainly am. It could have been so much worse. This could have happened during a school day, when I couldn't afford to drive a half hour to the Holyoke mall to buy a new charger. It could have been my whole computer. This could have happened during the hurricane, and not on a beautiful day. Yeah, it set me back eighty bucks...but I have so much to be thankful for.

When we're stressed, it is tough to focus on the positive. But after I calmed down and was driving home with a new charger in a bag on my front seat (heck, I was even able to pop into a few stores)  I could really reflect. Reflect on how blessed I am to even have a computer. Which then encouraged thoughts of how blessed I am to be able to go to school and receive an education. I bet ninety-nine percent of young adults my age throughout the world cannot say the same.

So I'll take a crapped out charger if it gives me a eureka moment of thankfulness. And now, I'll settle down and work.

Thankful #2. Starbucks.

Okay, so this thankful post isn't so much about coffee or gingerbread lattes or mocha fraps (although of course, I appreciate all of the above).

It's more about what happens in the four walls of Starbucks in Amherst, MA.

My very close friend and I began our Friday Starbucks dates during our freshman year. At that point, Starbucks was just a destination of walkable distance. Without our cars on campus, we needed some fresh air and a change of scenery. So nearly every Friday, we would walk twenty minutes, rain or shine, and be rewarded with either an icy drink or steaming hot beverage (depending on our moods or the weather). But again, it's not so much about the coffee. It's the time spent together.

Freshman year blurred into sophomore year. She was no longer down the hall, but in the next building. The Starbucks tradition continued. Some difficult conversations were had over our coffees that year. But we worked through them.

Junior year, our dates were more cherished than ever. My friend moved off-campus, so Fridays represented our scheduled chances to catch up. She started clinical for nursing. I was preparing for my semester in Italy. Big changes were afoot.

For the first time, Skype dates replaced Starbucks dates for five months. She heard about my life across the Atlantic. I was told gripping tales of her time in the maternity ward.

Now, we are roommates. But our being in close proximity couldn't stop the coffee tradition. We still find our  seats by the window almost every week. The conversations are different, but the time together is a constant.

And for that, I am thankful.

Thankful #1. Rocky.

(As today is November 1st, I'm starting my own "thankful" exercise to last until Thanksgiving. Every year I say I'm going to do this, but I don't. I'm a very thankful person in general, so all month, I will be expressing my gratitude). 

When I was seventeen, the Papapietro family got our first dog. And this wasn't your normal excursion to the breeder or a pound. Our neighbor's Golden Retriever became pregnant just as she turned a year old (woops). In October of 2008, Rocky came into the world. My brother was at the neighbor's house just as the birthing process was complete. In that sense, Rocky has been ours since day one. 

I still call Rocky my puppy. He's a teenager now (actually, probably in his 20s. I'm not good with dog years as they involve math). The point is, he is still as playful and free-spirited as the day he came home. 

And by playful, we're talking playful on crack. If anyone reading has ever had the pleasure of entering my home during these recent Rocky years, you have likely been greeted by an eighty-pound black furry creature. Actually, "greeted" is probably the wrong word here. More likely, you were nearly knocked to the ground by said creature and his licking. 

Rocky doesn't discriminate. He gives you his full attention, whoever you are. The second he sees you smiling at him, he will (in this order): perk his ears, run to the nearest toy (likely a stuffed animal minus the stuffing) and place it at your feet. I've never met a dog with a stamina like Rocky's. "Catch" could last for hours. 

I know I describe some of Rocky's traits as if he was almost human. Human or not, my family would not be complete without him. 

Today during a phone call with my mom, I learned that Rocky had a severe seizure last last night. Unfortunately my brother, awake with a stomachache courtesy of excessive amounts of Halloween candy, had to witness the episode. My mom explained her helplessness as she watched Rocky crash into objects, banging his head on the floor.  (Note: He is completely fine today. Ate his dinner, played outside. Chewed up another toy). 

Sometimes, I think about why I feel so attached to Rocky. And it doesn't take me long to figure it out. It's unconditional love.

All I have to do is think back to a day almost two years ago now. On this day, the weight of what felt like a thousand worlds on my shoulders, I sat on the floor of my empty house and cried. 

And then...the patter of feet.

Rocky, who had been napping in another room, must have heard me. He wandered over, eyes wide. As I continued to sniffle, I was moved as this dog scooted next to me, collapsed his body to the ground, and rested his head in my lap. He continued to watch over me as I released my bottled-up tension and sadness. In this moment, Rocky was my guardian. And I felt safe. 

I talked to Rocky like I would talk to God. I just spilled it out. Gave it all to him. And what did he do?

He listened.