The End of a Chapter

Today, my thesis is officially completed. As in, I have my grade and my professor signed it. Done.

I never thought I would be so moved by the completion of a paper. Jubilant? Yes. Relived? Yes. But not touched.

I think it has to do with the content. Not to be dramatic, but I really put my heart and soul into this thing. I can honestly say, 110%. Yes, it was research.

But I was indirectly talking about myself.

And that's the thing. In writing this paper (research, execution, all of that) I was facing head-on struggles that began almost four years ago. Around the time I started here.

Writing about these times, even through research and indirect means, is like composing a summary of what I've learned about myself and life in general. It's the closing of a chapter.

Quite literally as I am writing this, I just ran into a professor I had my entire first year at UMass. She means a lot to me, and has been instrumental in me getting to know myself. Funny I would randomly meet up with her now, as I have not seen her since last fall before I left for Italy. I just told her about my thesis and the whole last year of my life, which has turned into one of the most meaningful yet. I swear she had a tear in her eye as she put her hand on my shoulder and spoke with her German accent: "This is beautiful, really. Everyone is getting older and wiser."

And it's true. Every experience is a growing experience. And growing, with all of the pain and realizations and joy that comes with it, is pretty incredible. Funny how a paper can show you that.

Thankful #20. My Own Bed.

Not much to say about this, other than I'm thankful for warm beds, blankets, and my favorite stuffed animals. All from my real "home," Cape Cod. Doesn't get much better than this.

Thankful #19. Dreams.

Ever since returning home in May, I have found myself in a bit of a rut. Routines seem to get in the way of the dreamer side of me. Part of this is somewhat unavoidable, as for much of that time I've had school and work commitments to attend to. But I cannot let that be an excuse for being stagnate.

There are some moments that convince me that I am still in a state of reverse culture shock, nearly seven months after the fact. As I was told before I left, an effective way to ease the effects of this dreaded phenomenon is to create new experiences at home, to become a "tourist" in a familiar place. This is a concept that I've been trying to put into practice.

In the end, I want to be adventurous. I have huge dreams. But I am also the kind of person that dreams like no other and then gets stuck on execution. The details. In some cases this is due to anxiety, but in others I just don't follow through. I can look at inspiration for a giant photo collage all I want, for example, but when it comes to actually going and printing out hundreds of said photos, I'm lazy. But I'm trying to change that.

I am thankful that I have big dreams. And I am thankful that I am learning to fulfill them. One step at a time.

Thankful #18. Sunny Days.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the occasional rainy day too. But there was something about the sun shining this weekend that brightened my mood.

Which gets me thinking about how amazing it is that a star can shine so brightly. And warm a whole planet.

Thank goodness it does!

Thankful #17. Reunions.

On Friday night, I was able to reunite with a few friends I studied with in Perugia. One flew in from Minnesota, one goes to Harvard and drove out to UMass, and the third goes to UMass with me already.

It was a relatively simple affair. We ate a big Italian dinner and drank wine and laughed and retold stories of our time abroad. But what surprised me was how natural it felt having us all in one room, one room that was not in Italy.

It's coming on a year since I left for Europe. But I love how connected I still feel to the experience. Part of me misses it every single day, and I still feel sad when I realize that it's all over. But another part of me is so amazed at how the impacts of the experience on me are becoming clearer everyday. One impact, of course, involves the friendships I formed there. (I'm really thinking of my roommates when I say this).

So while I may not see these people often, it makes me all the more grateful when we can reunite. After all, we shared a life-changing experience and that will never go away.

Thankful #16. Books.

Today for fun I went to the Eric Carle Picture Book Museum in Amherst. Very Hungry Caterpillar, anyone? The work that goes into creating this type of art is unreal. For his illustrations, Carle actually used tissue paper collages. So cool. The museum has some of his original artwork from his books (as well as the work of many other children's authors).

I was certainly able to indulge my inner child. I saw my old favorites: Madeline, Strega Nona, Nancy Drew, The Wizard of Oz. Books transport me to another time and place.

And I am thankful for these opportunities to dream.

Thankful #15. Wisdom. (Especially when it speaks to me).

I read this piece of wisdom from Michael J. Fox the other day. Literally exactly in the moment I needed to read it. Coincidence?

There's a rule in acting called, 'Don't play the result." If you have a character who is going to end up in a certain place, don't play that until you get there. Play each scene and each beat as it comes. And that's what you do in life. You don't play the result.