The Future Has an Ancient Heart

I came across a beautiful quote recently: "The future has an ancient heart."

I guess it can be interpreted in different ways. But when I first read it, I thought of my own life's trajectory.

An Italian writer, Carlo Levi, originally composed this line. I think essentially he's describing the complexities of feeling as if the future is so far away, that the person we have yet to become is so distant...and yet, most of the time, our inherent traits end up guiding our lives. In other words, you are always you. Sure, people change and events in our lives mold and shape who we become. But that doesn't change our place in the world, our gifts...even if we haven't discovered them yet. These gifts have always been inside of us.

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure myself out over the years, but these thoughts usually lead to utter confusion. The one aspect of my personality that I do have figured out? I'm a paradox.

Example. I've been told that as a little kid, I was very engaging. I would go up to random people and ask if they wanted to hear me read a story (usually Berenstein Bears, but there were others). People actually listened. And I knew what I wanted: adventure. Although I would often sit and quietly read books to myself, that did not stop me from exploring my neighborhood and pretending my clubhouse was the Magic Tree House. And I wanted to be everyone's friend. Everyone's.

But this passionate, engaging, caring little girl also faced horrendous anxiety that warranted my first trip to a child psychologist at age seven. I would go back for several months, and each week we would discuss my eating habits and school. We would play this game like charades where I had to act out different situations. I would also go to the hospital several times, because I suffered from stomachaches almost daily. Appendicitis? Nope. Cancer? Nope. The x-rays came out completely clean. Did she just want to get out of school? No, I actually hated to miss school. Even when I was really sick. Then I told the shrink about one day at school when I cried all afternoon because I saw another child get bullied by the water fountain. It was then (although I don't remember this, mom told me) that I received a "diagnosis": I internalized other people's pain.

The point of all this is that we are who we are, and that will always remain true. I've always been a kind, headstrong adventurer. But also anxious. Today, my personality paradox shows up in other ways. For example, I often crave intense connection, even if I would rather just be alone (I think that's the writer in me...I want to learn about life from others, and yet I have to process and reflect on these lessons by myself as well). I am still very intuitive, often to a disturbing degree. I have recognized people in pain long before they have realized it themselves. I am guard to many secrets, stories that others have had the overwhelming urge to tell me...and they stay with me. I have watched people's flabbergasted faces when I seemingly read their minds. I don't really know where that comes from. And yet, my own mind is often a mystery. I can't figure myself out the same way.

But the nifty thing about being who we are is that eventually, we learn how to use our traits to our advantage. I have learned that events that I am most anxious about often mean the most to me. It is almost like my anxiety signals a great life adventure. Someone once told me that taking a risk is ALWAYS worth it, once you get over the fear part. I've also added my own little observation to this piece of advice: even if you take a risk and it doesn't go your way, it wasn't in vain. Nothing is ever in vain. Because even if you "mess up" and find yourself back at square one, it's not really square one. Because you possess more wisdom than you started out with.

So if you are starting a new phase in your life (as I am about to), remember this: you are you. There will never be another you. Life will work out the way it is supposed to, and your ancient heart will be there to guide you along. If you take your ancient heart into consideration while discerning life's plans, it might even have something to whisper to you.

I'll keep on being my paradoxical self. Because it's gotten me this far. And even as I continue to grow and forge my own path, I'll keep listening to my heart, the heart that has always been my own.